Searching for Home

I feel as though
I've hit a new low
that no one can raise me from

I thought I had found
a fresh start a new home
but I was just fooling myself

And I knew that it was worthless
that I'd hit another rut
cause I wished upon a shooting star
and if fell and crushed my heart
alone I walk with no pride
I lost it too long ago
for my memory to serve and to show me where to go
I pray to God each and everyday
to bring me to an end
and I know He's here with me
cause he's my only friend
and I know this hell I'm living in
can only last so long
but I feel just like a little child
whose life has just begun
I know my day is coming soon
but til that day is nigh
I dream of a place to call my home for the rest of this life.

I feel as though

I am all alone

and it's just not worth it sometimes.

Let it rain

Thunder rumbles,
lightning strikes.
Stopping people,
cars, footsteps and bikes.
Makes them pause
Makes them cower
what they don't know,
is this is the very first hour

Let it rain down from the sky
to the ground from way up high.
Let the rain fall over my skin,
make the whole world stop
so my new world begins.

Something borrowed,
something blue.
Forget it all,
and find something new.
Take a chance
take a fall,
without failure
you won't learn how to walk tall

Let it rain down from the sky
to the gruond from way up high.
Let the rain fall over my skin,
Make the whole world stop,
so my new world begins.

Let it rain from my face to my heart
shine the light on this bright new start
let it purify all the wrongs I've done
Let it wash away everything but fun
let it raind down from the sky
to the ground from way up high.
Let the rain fall over my skin,
Let the whole world stop.


and my new world begin.

Forgotten

Forgotten love I sing to you,
for I thought back then it wasn't true.
I gave my all, and nothing received,
I took it all, my heart on sleeve.
I can not see a future time
when e'er our paths, both yours and mine,
will ever cross in loving tones,
our passing words, just sticks and stones.
We're long passed gone, the days of old, where love once was, is dead and cold.
But every once in a while,
I stop and think of you and smile,
because the joke, you see is on you,
for that heart that you left broken in two,
is now a whole, all on my own,
I'm no longer a little girl, I've grown.

Broken Existance

Losing control,
drowning in a sea
of body and spirit
wonderment and confusion
hope lost and walking
alone in a deep dysmal
abyss of lonely suffering
and empty promises
broken moments and
seemless endings.
Eating drinking
sleeping fucking
walking running
dancing laughing
crying until nothing is left
except a puddle of emptiness
longing for what might have been
if only
if only I was this
if only I was that
if only I was able to leap from a building
and jump from the clouds
until nothing is left of me
but a meaningless teardrop
of wasted breath
in this world of torture and
a slight rambling is
like a chasing after the wind
a piece of my soul
written before you
in a seemingly desperate
attempt of bitter
happiness in a world
where nothing is right
and everything has been lost
to the endless depths of
a broken existance

Windy Winter

Searching through my mind
            for a memory of a time and place
when I wasn't left
                all on my            own
Sights and sounds blow by
    like         the           wind         they         b  l  o  w
                                        swirling
          twirling                                       blowing         
                         dancing                                b
                                                                          l
                                                                              u
                                                                                   r
                                                                                     r
                                                                                          i
                                                                                             n
                                                                                                  g

Do You See?

How can I put into words
             this feeling of dread?
      It is as though my heart has dropped down
                                         falling, and falling
                                                              down into my stomach
                  I feel as though my entire world may crumble
blowing away in a million pieces
             riding the wind like a dandelion.
My head is cloudy and filled with cotton
        I can't concentrate
                                  form a thought
                         I can't think clearly as though everything
                 everything is beyond my ability to understand.
My face burns with shame
             my body aches with a longing to be held
and my soul yearns for wholeness.
         My eyes water from pain
   like a thousand knives swimming through my veins
              taking with them my sanity, my hope
Drowning in self-doubt,
              treading in my confusion, blinded by fatigue
       weary from hardship,
sinking from the burden of guilt.
                                     A fear of rejection,
                       A fear of affection,
                                 that tug from within to open the doors,
                      to let the emotions flow
                  while the large stone barricade of the past
Keeps them tightly shut and locked.
                  Years of false hopes, false promises.
       Decades of broken hearts and broken spirits.
Doubt flooding the mind,
Chaos taking over and nothing seems,
any longer
          to make sense.

Anonymous Addiction

The feeling of another hit

the need to drink, smoke, sip,

that desire to fill another part

of this once, and still, broken heart.

A constant pain,

the endless doubt,

but still I can not

live without.

This need so strong,

a frantic call,

that makes my will

so very small.

Just one more time,

my promised rhyme

that life will be filled,

with one last pill.

My addiction stays,

to what I can not say

for my love, my all,

is my one downfall.

Silly Intuition

These silly games we play,

toying with our hearts,

touching, laughing, joking

til it all comes torn apart.

The jumping through the hoops

and the teasing that we share,

that only lead to drama,

heartbreak and despair.

A hope for something more,

which died so long ago,

a teasing of a future,

when you know the answer's no.

A cruel tempting of fate,

a sick vision of love,

the dreaming of joining paths,

a gift sent from above.

This feeling that I get,

that you could be the one for me,

is simply a girlish wonder

that anyone can see.

I have this confusing notion

that the world is full of light

when I know, from my experience,

that this notion is not right.

I want to see the light again,

from childish, hopeful eyes,

a view that I have missed, so long,

that with my childhood died.

My Christmas Wish

High as a bird I soar,

through the clouds wandering,

searching for the souls

that will bind with me

in this adventure through a lifetime.

Hovering in the sky,

watching over the others

like a guardian angel

I observe the goings on

and pray for the day

that peace covers those around me

like a soft blanket of warmth

to keep out the cold of the world.

Unconscious Goodbye

Darkness courses through my veins,

the very blood of my body,

my own life force turned cold,

by the bitterness of the past.

Even in harbored fantasy,

I lay tossing and turning

reliving nightmares that never end,

tormenting me even when I am awake.

The bittersweet symphony of strength

the living after the death of a childhood

playing over and over in my head

like the record from hell

that is stuck on a loop.

Curses spew from nowhere

plagues of visions of blood and lights.

Dark clouds hover above my head

and drowning I reach up,

grasping at air because nothing is there.

No one to catch me as I fall.

Smoke lingers in the air,

wafting through the breeze,

like a burned memory upon my mind

branding me with the ever knowing

"B"

Never to be whole again,

cursing the existance that I am forced to continue,

like a slave in shackles

I am a lone soldier fighting a battle

against an army of guilt, pain, and memory

slowing giving ground,

until one day the cloud will rain,

and the soldier will fall.

Beautiful Oblivion

How can I put into words
             this feeling of dread?
      It is as though my heart has dropped down
                                         falling, and falling
                                                              down into my stomach
                  I feel as though my entire world may crumble
blowing away in a million pieces
             riding the wind like a dandelion.
My head is cloudy and filled with cotton
        I can't concentrate
                                  form a thought
                         I can't think clearly as though everything
                 everything is beyond my ability to understand.
My face burns with shame
             my body aches with a longing to be held
and my soul yearns for wholeness.
         My eyes water from pain
   like a thousand knives swimming through my veins
              taking with them my sanity, my hope
Drowning in self-doubt,
              treading in my confusion, blinded by fatigue
       weary from hardship,
sinking from the burden of guilt.
                                     A fear of rejection,
                       A fear of affection,
                                 that tug from within to open the doors,
                      to let the emotions flow
                  while the large stone barricade of the past
Keeps them tightly shut and locked.
                  Years of false hopes, false promises.
       Decades of broken hearts and broken spirits.
Doubt flooding the mind,
Chaos taking over and nothing seems,
any longer
          to make sense.

Alone

Filled with gloom,
     a feeling of dread,
     a loneliness so deep,
     overwhelmingly cold.
No where to go,
     no shoulder to cry upon,
     no one to turn to
     in my time of sorrow.
A life of misery,
     of candid secrets,
     dark memories,
     and living nightmares.
A cold so deep,
     a cold so filling,
     it embraces me,
     in a cold welcome.
Itching burning,
     a need so strong,
     for just one smile,
     for just one hope.
Faux laughter,
     faux smiles,
     faux welcomes,
     faux lifestyles.
A long time since,
     just one person,
     just one love,
     welcomed me.
Years passed,
     loneliness consumed,
     screams overwhelm,
     spirits dampened.
Endless nightmares,
     living darkness,
     lonely misery,
     til light extinguishes.

Drowning

Losing control,
drowning in a sea
of body and spirit
wonderment and confusion
hope lost and walking
alone in a deep dysmal
abyss of lonely suffering
and empty promises
broken moments and
seemless endings.
Eating drinking
sleeping fucking
walking running
dancing laughing
crying until nothing is left
except a puddle of emptiness
longing for what might have been
if only
if only I was this
if only I was that
if only I was able to leap
from a building
and jump from clouds
until nothing is left of me
but a meaningless teardrop
of wasted breath
in this world of torture and
a slight rambling is
like a chasing after the wind
a piece of my soul
written before you
in a seemingly desperate
attempt of bitter
happiness in a world
where nothing is right
and everything has been lost
to the endless depths of
a broken existance.

Time to Time

Tender smiles lost in lust,
Gentle touches on my cheek.
Your memory grows colder still
as time passes, week to week.
Baby fat that never fades,
Hair to never grow to grey,
Though you've long since left my side
I still think of you day by day.
Fingers, long, with skilled prestige,
Playing my heart as though a spinet.
The music of my heart grows even now,
minute by slow minute.
Baby blue eyes with life drained away,
never to come when beckoned.
Dark hair to fade, dust to dust
Sweet reunion soon, second by endless second.

Broken

The pieces have been broken
and tossed to every side,
and the puzzle that it forms
is a picture of my life.
The tattered pieces have been ripped
shredded mosaic bits,
the pieces pushed and shoved
into places they won't fit.
My life has flipped in many ways
from a naive state of bliss
to a state where I am unaware
of what is real, and what's amiss.

Picture This

A world of white,
snow flakes falling,
teardrops streaking,
crystals glistening.
A wonderland of pure white.

A gazebo in the distance
white lace designs
with doves flying
angels soaring
clouds surrounding.
The beautiful perfection overwhelming.

Take Me

Wakened by a cold sweat

restless nightmares, an empty embrace

the arms of darkness

leave me wanting more.

Songs breaking hearts

reminding me of happy times

of a time spent

with your smile.

I still remember everything

your favorite color,

proudest moment

purest laugh.

But your face fades,

everyday my memory

burned a little less

with your image.

You said forever

 you broke my heart.

You left me in the dark,

alone with nothing,

but these nights.

You asked me if I'd like an adventure

if I would be your princess

if I would ride away with you

and I told you I'd go anywhere

anywhere as long as

I was with you.

But then one day

you were no longer there.

Given the chance,
brokenheart or breath

I would have begged you

To take me with you...

Sometimes

I sometimes breathe a gasp of air
And sometimes I breathe not
I know that sometimes walking alone
I have a dreary thought.
A love sadly lost to an evil man,
a confusing thought within my mind
which I'll never understand, and reasoning
for this evil deed, I shall never find.
I sometimes think of your sweet face
of your soft and blackest hair
and I dream of looking in your eyes
and seeing the sea of blue found there.
I sometimes remember our last meeting
I was younger than I care
to think about it, twas so long ago,
Too young, naive of fear.
I remember our last laughter shared,
of the smiles I gave to you
a happiness I've yet to match
and a love so pure, so true.
I sometimes wonder what I would
be like if you were still here,
But I know you'd have love for me still
and want not I to shed a tear.

Make Me

Wakened by a cold sweat

restless nightmares, an empty embrace

the arms of darkness

leave me wanting more.

Songs breaking hearts

reminding me of happy times

of a time spent

with your smile.

I still remember everything

your favorite color,

proudest moment

purest laugh.

But your face fades,

everyday my memory

burned a little less

with your image.

You said forever

 you broke my heart.

You left me in the dark,

alone with nothing,

but these nights.

You asked me if I'd like an adventure

if I would be your princess

if I would ride away with you

and I told you I'd go anywhere

anywhere as long as

I was with you.

But then one day

you were no longer there.

Given the chance,
brokenheart or breath

I would have begged you

To take me with you...

The Fire Within

Blankly I wander,

broken but hopeful.

A new beginning  sits

right out of my grasp.

I can see it there,

like the promise of fresh air

to a drowning soul.

Like a beautiful prism

it gleams with purity,

a beautiful flame of hope.

It flickers and dances

never waivering in it's grandeur.

Graceful in it's movements,

the dance of new times,

a fresh start to come.

The emptiness is longing

wishing to be consumed

by this bright eternal flame.

The prism stays shut,

but the promise of more

of a new beginning prevails,

guiding the broken

with light from the fire within.

Random thoughts

Joyless days,
Terror stricken nights.
Endless torment
fills each waking moment
neverending blindness,
overwhelming cold.
Numbness conquers
confusion engulfs
the remains of sanity.
hearts quake
while lovers quarrel
pain and lows
aches and simmers
in a pot of self disgust
and a fire of deceit.

Watched

A feeling of dread,
a thundering chill,
a momentary panic.
I jolt from a dead sleep,
glancing at the window,
feaing the sight
that lies behind.
A feeling of being watched,
the sound of a voice
a whisper of promises
a menacing leering.
The voice of ages,
the sound of horror films
that voice inside you
the viewer screaming
don't go in the door
don't go down the hall
don't explore the darkness
and ignoring the voice
I reach for the shade
fearing the unknown
but having to see.
Brushing the shade aside
I gasp.
Darkness greets me
and nothing else
my panic alone
to comfort my fear.
I slide the window shut
to prevent further dreams
further sounds
and noises
to lead me to fear.
I restlessly slept
and as the sun arose
I woke
with shadows under my eyes
I looked to my side
to find my window opened
and note pinned to my shirt
that said
I'm still watching.

No One To Turn To

Haven't you ever been alone?

Haven't you ever felt as though

everything was a lost cause?

Today is that day,

a day of darkness that clouds,

shadows every hope,

every chance at happiness.

All smiles are but a memory,

all laughter is gone for good.

Never again to be joyed,

never again TO be proud.

A lost feeling overcomes me,

and I long to feel safe.

TO sleep in an embrace

of comfort and caring warmth.

TO feel as though someone cares,

in a world of selfish hate.

TO not be alone

and TO have a hope

for this dreary world

in which I dwell my short days

few amongst other's many.

Cutting a day short,

sharply with a knife

of a red bitter end.

Eternal Release

I've brought you here

to my quiet place,

because you've wakened

a feeling, in part.

The other part lies

in the love that I keep

for only you

within my heart.

The walls of my dark

and lonesome hall

filled only with thoughts,

and lost dreams,

Are cold, and damp

and dreary, quite

cast only by

moonlight beams.

I 've brought you here

to share with you

a piece of my soul

kept locked,

You're the only one

to see my place

I keep it away

and blocked.

But I find a surrender

within your eyes

that makes the hope

in me take flight.

And though I fight,

and though I try

to hate you with

all my might.

I can't because,

and I swear this vow,

that I love you in

darkness and light.

And I show you this place

because I want us to be

until one is the daylight

and night.

Awkward Attraction

Swirling colors blurs my sight,
I can't think when you're this close.
I wander in this world,
where everything awaits me,
and yet I keep coming back to
this hole, this trap, this abyss of confusion.
You reach for me, and my heart quickens.
Thoughts rush through my mind,
confusion, wonder, and pure
chaos.
Wonderment as to what you want from me
besides the obvious,
I just want my friend.
The power of our relationship....

Bridge of Sighs

The Bridge of Sighs in Venice.  Built in the 17th century, there are many theories as to why this is called the bridge of sighs.  Many believe that if a couple kisses while underneath the Bridge of Sighs the couple will enjoy eternal love and "live happily ever after."  Most believe, however, that as the bridge connects the palace, where trials would take place and judgment passed, and the prison that this is called the Bridge of Sighs because of the prisoners who, upon being escorted to the neighboring prison, would sigh as they caught their last glimpse of the outside world before spending the rest of their days within the dark dungeons of their prison cell.

Heaven's Gate

...

I love you he says,

How could he I wonder
I loveyou he says
You can't I tell him




You are my light,
you are my angel
You saved me from the
darkness of the world.
You were the love of my life.
How could you blow out my light?
You stole my love away.
That dark and evil day,
the day you stole your life
and ran with it to heaven's gate

 

 

 

 

Pleading Love

The past few weeks,

have been filled with nothing,

nothing but thoughts of you.

I don't understand why,

after all of this time,

I haven't found someone new.

A various few

have come and gone,

and they took with me their care,

But to this day

I've found no one

with whom my heart, I'll share.

I wish for this

my only wish

if I could turn back time,

That I would go

and have my goodbye,

is that a lover's crime?

I can't believe,

I won't see you again,

With my heart and soul broken,

I will never know

how much you cared

beyond what you had spoken.

If I could see you

one last time,

I'd show you, how I'd pray

I would get down

upon my knees

and beg with you to stay.

Self Destructive Nightmares

The memory of beauty,
raw, pale and bleak,
haunts my days.
Walking around
I try to hide my scars,
my pain, my sorrow,
my neverending humiliation.
Bruises, scars, cuts, scabs,
all reminders of the curse,
the pain and the tears,
that I've caused myself.

I'm a curse in myself,
I see nothing in the mirror,
like a creature of the night,
my reflection shows empty space.

Empty Words, Bloody Tears

The days go by slowly
as though they will never come to an end.
I drift along with all of the happy people,
with friends, lovers, aquaintances,
and alone I stand in this dismal place
the cold tearing at my soul,
the wind biting at my heart,
and the bitterness eating away at my spirit.
My happiness is far since lost,
and my smile has been misplaced as well.
Laughter is extinct in the world I live in
and tears are but a constant presence.
I long for an end to my bitter suffering,
my longing turns into pain.
A wish that I can not bring myself
to realize is a necessity
instead of just a childish tantrum.
My arrival to this hell
has meant nothing but tears,
and blood and sweat towards an unwanted goal
a month of sleepless nights,
a year of endless time
a bushel of broken aches,
countless injured friendships,
I've changed since I've been here,
and it hasn't been for the better,
the bitterness is engulfing me
and the anger and condescending is taking over my life.
I try to stay true but it doesn't work,
I try to keep smiling but it turns to a grimace,
the days have long since gone that I can be myself
and after spending so much time trying to find me,
so much wasted time,
I've gone away again,
never to be found.
I've lost my spirit,
I try to pretend it's still there
to my dismay I can not pretend any longer
I cry myself to sleep at night
dreaming of a day
that is not filled with  bloody tears
and numerous regrets
and careful thoughts
and empty words.
I can do nothing right
and everything wrong,
I try to correct things,
only to make them worse,
friendships don't exist
no matter how hard I try
and what's worse it that I've made
more enemies in these timeless days
than I've made in a lifetime
and I don't know what I've done,
certainly nothing differently.
I welcome physical pain,
and I dream of days
that aren't filled
with these empty words,
and bloody tears.

As I am

Take me as I am,
take me from this place,
the empty halls, and empty rooms,
full of darkness and fallen grace.
Take me to a world,
from my burden feel relief
and welcome me in open arms
in a world of hope and peace.
I spent my life, wonderin where to go next.
The path I walk is lonely,
I stumble every broken step.
But when you walk beside, I know there's nothing to fear,
because you guide me to,
a better day, a better place
Take me as I am,
take me from this place,
the empty halls, and empty rooms,
full of darkness and fallen grace.
Take me to a world,
from my burden feel relief
and welcome me in open arms
in a world of hope and peace.
When life is weary, and really gets me down,
I take a glance up
and see your thorny crown,
My hand you hold, my weight you bear
and help me through
each blow, each fear
Take me as I am,
take me from this place,
the empty halls, and empty rooms,
full of darkness and fallen grace.
Take me to a world,
from my burden feel relief
and welcome me in open arms
in a world of hope and peace.


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Forgotten

Forgotten love I sing to you,
for I thought back then it wasn't true.
I gave my all, and nothing received,
I took it all, my heart on sleeve.
I can not see a future time
when e'er our paths, both yours and mine,
will ever cross in loving tones,
our passing words, just sticks and stones.
We're long passed gone, the days of old,
where love once was, is dead and cold.
But every once in a while,
I stop and think of you and smile,
because the joke, you see is on you,
for that heart that you left broken in two,
is now a whole, all on my own,
I'm no longer a little girl, I've grown.







       

Changes

Times are changing,
places passing quickly,
fading into the distance
is my life as I see it now.
I fly through my future,
whirlwinds of disappointment,
wonders of failures,
chilly nightmares
threatening all that I hold dear.
Confusion blurs the visions of light,
stability shaking,
as time passes quicker,
with an ever quicker pace,
with each moment that blinks by.
The past is like a close friend,
I want to cling to it,
and to never let it go,
with it's security of knowledge.
But the future looms darkly,
making promises
that it can not keep,
daring me towards goals
that I can not accomplish.
Alone I walk
through this dreary time.
Waiting, just waiting
until time will stand still.

Calender of my life

Everyday that passes
is like another page.
Tearing from the calender
that marks the days
of my life.

Faster they fall,
and as the time flies by,
I can't help but wonder
where the pages
disappear to.

The ground is littered
ith the memories of happy times,
stressful and despressing times.
The hopeful, and the
tearful times.

Pages wiped clear
of the darkness,
daily renewed
shadowing on my
sunny days.

Reminiscence clutters
the window into
my thoughtful mind,
always reaching for
clear skies.

Though I may try
to keep the pages
from fluttering down,
my efforts go unaided,
failing.

But days are numbered
and soon will end,
the life of but one,
hopeful, waiting
human. 

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Summer Sweets

Warm breezesdancing across skin
waves crash
upon shores of glass
Eyes meet
in a burst of amazement
loneliness conquered
a sweet summer victory




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Distant Daydreams

Smokey clouds
luminescent in color
A puff of feathers
beautiful
A vision white
Ebony hair, flawless smile
stars in her eyes
beautiful
From the mist
her lover dances gaily
reaching out to
beautiful

drowning

Constant running
with no promise of an end
No promise of a breath
while I drown in the chaos
I stop to clear my mind
and am overwhelmed again
by a new rush of current
that drags my mind under

Untitled

I sought refuge from the world,
and was left empty handed.
The life I led was left, unfulfilled
my arms empty of accomplishgment
All I had to show for my existence
was a single pearl
It glowed in the mystical dark
of the sunlight's final surrender
A beacon of how life should be
The gem didn't belong to me
But I longed to hold it
As I sat there savoring every glimpse
I thought of how the world
should be.
Filled with the light that
the pearl casts around it.