Empty Words, Bloody Tears

The days go by slowly
as though they will never come to an end.
I drift along with all of the happy people,
with friends, lovers, aquaintances,
and alone I stand in this dismal place
the cold tearing at my soul,
the wind biting at my heart,
and the bitterness eating away at my spirit.
My happiness is far since lost,
and my smile has been misplaced as well.
Laughter is extinct in the world I live in
and tears are but a constant presence.
I long for an end to my bitter suffering,
my longing turns into pain.
A wish that I can not bring myself
to realize is a necessity
instead of just a childish tantrum.
My arrival to this hell
has meant nothing but tears,
and blood and sweat towards an unwanted goal
a month of sleepless nights,
a year of endless time
a bushel of broken aches,
countless injured friendships,
I've changed since I've been here,
and it hasn't been for the better,
the bitterness is engulfing me
and the anger and condescending is taking over my life.
I try to stay true but it doesn't work,
I try to keep smiling but it turns to a grimace,
the days have long since gone that I can be myself
and after spending so much time trying to find me,
so much wasted time,
I've gone away again,
never to be found.
I've lost my spirit,
I try to pretend it's still there
to my dismay I can not pretend any longer
I cry myself to sleep at night
dreaming of a day
that is not filled with  bloody tears
and numerous regrets
and careful thoughts
and empty words.
I can do nothing right
and everything wrong,
I try to correct things,
only to make them worse,
friendships don't exist
no matter how hard I try
and what's worse it that I've made
more enemies in these timeless days
than I've made in a lifetime
and I don't know what I've done,
certainly nothing differently.
I welcome physical pain,
and I dream of days
that aren't filled
with these empty words,
and bloody tears.