Searching for Home

I feel as though
I've hit a new low
that no one can raise me from

I thought I had found
a fresh start a new home
but I was just fooling myself

And I knew that it was worthless
that I'd hit another rut
cause I wished upon a shooting star
and if fell and crushed my heart
alone I walk with no pride
I lost it too long ago
for my memory to serve and to show me where to go
I pray to God each and everyday
to bring me to an end
and I know He's here with me
cause he's my only friend
and I know this hell I'm living in
can only last so long
but I feel just like a little child
whose life has just begun
I know my day is coming soon
but til that day is nigh
I dream of a place to call my home for the rest of this life.

I feel as though

I am all alone

and it's just not worth it sometimes.

Let it rain

Thunder rumbles,
lightning strikes.
Stopping people,
cars, footsteps and bikes.
Makes them pause
Makes them cower
what they don't know,
is this is the very first hour

Let it rain down from the sky
to the ground from way up high.
Let the rain fall over my skin,
make the whole world stop
so my new world begins.

Something borrowed,
something blue.
Forget it all,
and find something new.
Take a chance
take a fall,
without failure
you won't learn how to walk tall

Let it rain down from the sky
to the gruond from way up high.
Let the rain fall over my skin,
Make the whole world stop,
so my new world begins.

Let it rain from my face to my heart
shine the light on this bright new start
let it purify all the wrongs I've done
Let it wash away everything but fun
let it raind down from the sky
to the ground from way up high.
Let the rain fall over my skin,
Let the whole world stop.


and my new world begin.

Forgotten

Forgotten love I sing to you,
for I thought back then it wasn't true.
I gave my all, and nothing received,
I took it all, my heart on sleeve.
I can not see a future time
when e'er our paths, both yours and mine,
will ever cross in loving tones,
our passing words, just sticks and stones.
We're long passed gone, the days of old, where love once was, is dead and cold.
But every once in a while,
I stop and think of you and smile,
because the joke, you see is on you,
for that heart that you left broken in two,
is now a whole, all on my own,
I'm no longer a little girl, I've grown.

Broken Existance

Losing control,
drowning in a sea
of body and spirit
wonderment and confusion
hope lost and walking
alone in a deep dysmal
abyss of lonely suffering
and empty promises
broken moments and
seemless endings.
Eating drinking
sleeping fucking
walking running
dancing laughing
crying until nothing is left
except a puddle of emptiness
longing for what might have been
if only
if only I was this
if only I was that
if only I was able to leap from a building
and jump from the clouds
until nothing is left of me
but a meaningless teardrop
of wasted breath
in this world of torture and
a slight rambling is
like a chasing after the wind
a piece of my soul
written before you
in a seemingly desperate
attempt of bitter
happiness in a world
where nothing is right
and everything has been lost
to the endless depths of
a broken existance

Windy Winter

Searching through my mind
            for a memory of a time and place
when I wasn't left
                all on my            own
Sights and sounds blow by
    like         the           wind         they         b  l  o  w
                                        swirling
          twirling                                       blowing         
                         dancing                                b
                                                                          l
                                                                              u
                                                                                   r
                                                                                     r
                                                                                          i
                                                                                             n
                                                                                                  g

Do You See?

How can I put into words
             this feeling of dread?
      It is as though my heart has dropped down
                                         falling, and falling
                                                              down into my stomach
                  I feel as though my entire world may crumble
blowing away in a million pieces
             riding the wind like a dandelion.
My head is cloudy and filled with cotton
        I can't concentrate
                                  form a thought
                         I can't think clearly as though everything
                 everything is beyond my ability to understand.
My face burns with shame
             my body aches with a longing to be held
and my soul yearns for wholeness.
         My eyes water from pain
   like a thousand knives swimming through my veins
              taking with them my sanity, my hope
Drowning in self-doubt,
              treading in my confusion, blinded by fatigue
       weary from hardship,
sinking from the burden of guilt.
                                     A fear of rejection,
                       A fear of affection,
                                 that tug from within to open the doors,
                      to let the emotions flow
                  while the large stone barricade of the past
Keeps them tightly shut and locked.
                  Years of false hopes, false promises.
       Decades of broken hearts and broken spirits.
Doubt flooding the mind,
Chaos taking over and nothing seems,
any longer
          to make sense.

Anonymous Addiction

The feeling of another hit

the need to drink, smoke, sip,

that desire to fill another part

of this once, and still, broken heart.

A constant pain,

the endless doubt,

but still I can not

live without.

This need so strong,

a frantic call,

that makes my will

so very small.

Just one more time,

my promised rhyme

that life will be filled,

with one last pill.

My addiction stays,

to what I can not say

for my love, my all,

is my one downfall.

Silly Intuition

These silly games we play,

toying with our hearts,

touching, laughing, joking

til it all comes torn apart.

The jumping through the hoops

and the teasing that we share,

that only lead to drama,

heartbreak and despair.

A hope for something more,

which died so long ago,

a teasing of a future,

when you know the answer's no.

A cruel tempting of fate,

a sick vision of love,

the dreaming of joining paths,

a gift sent from above.

This feeling that I get,

that you could be the one for me,

is simply a girlish wonder

that anyone can see.

I have this confusing notion

that the world is full of light

when I know, from my experience,

that this notion is not right.

I want to see the light again,

from childish, hopeful eyes,

a view that I have missed, so long,

that with my childhood died.

My Christmas Wish

High as a bird I soar,

through the clouds wandering,

searching for the souls

that will bind with me

in this adventure through a lifetime.

Hovering in the sky,

watching over the others

like a guardian angel

I observe the goings on

and pray for the day

that peace covers those around me

like a soft blanket of warmth

to keep out the cold of the world.

Unconscious Goodbye

Darkness courses through my veins,

the very blood of my body,

my own life force turned cold,

by the bitterness of the past.

Even in harbored fantasy,

I lay tossing and turning

reliving nightmares that never end,

tormenting me even when I am awake.

The bittersweet symphony of strength

the living after the death of a childhood

playing over and over in my head

like the record from hell

that is stuck on a loop.

Curses spew from nowhere

plagues of visions of blood and lights.

Dark clouds hover above my head

and drowning I reach up,

grasping at air because nothing is there.

No one to catch me as I fall.

Smoke lingers in the air,

wafting through the breeze,

like a burned memory upon my mind

branding me with the ever knowing

"B"

Never to be whole again,

cursing the existance that I am forced to continue,

like a slave in shackles

I am a lone soldier fighting a battle

against an army of guilt, pain, and memory

slowing giving ground,

until one day the cloud will rain,

and the soldier will fall.

Beautiful Oblivion

How can I put into words
             this feeling of dread?
      It is as though my heart has dropped down
                                         falling, and falling
                                                              down into my stomach
                  I feel as though my entire world may crumble
blowing away in a million pieces
             riding the wind like a dandelion.
My head is cloudy and filled with cotton
        I can't concentrate
                                  form a thought
                         I can't think clearly as though everything
                 everything is beyond my ability to understand.
My face burns with shame
             my body aches with a longing to be held
and my soul yearns for wholeness.
         My eyes water from pain
   like a thousand knives swimming through my veins
              taking with them my sanity, my hope
Drowning in self-doubt,
              treading in my confusion, blinded by fatigue
       weary from hardship,
sinking from the burden of guilt.
                                     A fear of rejection,
                       A fear of affection,
                                 that tug from within to open the doors,
                      to let the emotions flow
                  while the large stone barricade of the past
Keeps them tightly shut and locked.
                  Years of false hopes, false promises.
       Decades of broken hearts and broken spirits.
Doubt flooding the mind,
Chaos taking over and nothing seems,
any longer
          to make sense.

Alone

Filled with gloom,
     a feeling of dread,
     a loneliness so deep,
     overwhelmingly cold.
No where to go,
     no shoulder to cry upon,
     no one to turn to
     in my time of sorrow.
A life of misery,
     of candid secrets,
     dark memories,
     and living nightmares.
A cold so deep,
     a cold so filling,
     it embraces me,
     in a cold welcome.
Itching burning,
     a need so strong,
     for just one smile,
     for just one hope.
Faux laughter,
     faux smiles,
     faux welcomes,
     faux lifestyles.
A long time since,
     just one person,
     just one love,
     welcomed me.
Years passed,
     loneliness consumed,
     screams overwhelm,
     spirits dampened.
Endless nightmares,
     living darkness,
     lonely misery,
     til light extinguishes.

Drowning

Losing control,
drowning in a sea
of body and spirit
wonderment and confusion
hope lost and walking
alone in a deep dysmal
abyss of lonely suffering
and empty promises
broken moments and
seemless endings.
Eating drinking
sleeping fucking
walking running
dancing laughing
crying until nothing is left
except a puddle of emptiness
longing for what might have been
if only
if only I was this
if only I was that
if only I was able to leap
from a building
and jump from clouds
until nothing is left of me
but a meaningless teardrop
of wasted breath
in this world of torture and
a slight rambling is
like a chasing after the wind
a piece of my soul
written before you
in a seemingly desperate
attempt of bitter
happiness in a world
where nothing is right
and everything has been lost
to the endless depths of
a broken existance.

Time to Time

Tender smiles lost in lust,
Gentle touches on my cheek.
Your memory grows colder still
as time passes, week to week.
Baby fat that never fades,
Hair to never grow to grey,
Though you've long since left my side
I still think of you day by day.
Fingers, long, with skilled prestige,
Playing my heart as though a spinet.
The music of my heart grows even now,
minute by slow minute.
Baby blue eyes with life drained away,
never to come when beckoned.
Dark hair to fade, dust to dust
Sweet reunion soon, second by endless second.